I hate you for making me fall in love
I hate you for putting me in a box
I hate you for leaving me for her
And then treating her like shit
And giving up me to be with her
but not honoring what she is to you
it makes me feel disposable
that you could give me up
then not put any effort into this thing
you wanted enough to ruin me

I hate you for being so self centered
So self serving
And calling me selfish
And making me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you
And blaming myself for so long
When I should have been blaming you

I blame you for not caring enough
And putting yourself first
When you claimed to put me first
And for choosing her in the first place
And leaving me
And then leaving her
And letting her believe that everything is okay
When it’s not
And I’m still sleeping in your bed
With your head in my hands
And you’re out with the 4th woman
Late at night
In a bar
And she tells you she will be with you
And you can’t resist her
And you don’t want to
Because you like feeling wanted
And I can’t blame you for that
Although I do

I hate you for making me crazy
And worrying about you
And waiting for your call
And I hate you for doing the same thing to her
Making her crazy
And worrying about you
To the point of hysteria
And you just shrug and say
“that’s how it goes”

And I hate myself for not being what you needed
At the time
Because I think I’m in capable of it
But I think you’re incapable of it too
Maybe I broke you
Maybe I was the only person you were gave yourself to completely
And I broke your ability to truly give yourself away again
Because I never gave myself fully to you
I refused to submit
And so we failed
That was the price

And now you refuse to submit to her
Refuse to give yourself over completely
And lose your ground
And fall down the slope towards this thing called love
You did it with me and we got churned up and tossed out
Broken.
After everything
I can’t really blame you for not wanting to give yourself to her.
I can’t blame you for not wanting to give yourself to me again.
Although I do.

31 and falling...

well you call again as if I don't know what you're going to say... so i let it ring. i can count the cracks in the ceiling all day long. i guess the birds they just went south, but i've got no where to go. it's 31 and falling. and i've been dreaming of you darling, in case you'd like to know.

god damn, my wasted time.

if i could hold my tongue, just long enough to get me through the door. then you won't know. rewind the tape while your back is turned, fold my arms and pull the curtains closed. bury the roses in the backyardand. darling, never mind what i might have said, before.

god damn, my wasted time.

i've got half a mind to lie to you. half a mind to tell you everything i have to tell. i've been wasting my time. i know better, and i'm tired of waxing sentimental. i'm tired of saying: please, please. tired of waiting. i'm tired of waiting.

you call again, as if i don't know what you're going to say....

but i'll be dreaming of you darling, in case you'd like to know.

blog challenge - day #2

Restaurant moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind?

three moments stand out in my mind.

amada, cuba libre and asia de cuba.

all latin, all fabulous, all leaving me broke.

cuba libre- dinner in atlantic city with kelly. on our vacation in august. in the middle of 5 days of fun & sun. the meal began with beef croquettes, dotted by many of the best-made mojitos i've ever tasted. smooth, sugary and dry. ending with beef roja. tender strips of pulled beef mixed with rice, peppers and tomato sauce. we were two of the only people there since it was august and the shoobies were already back in school. you called me 'baby' over mixed rum and spanish guitars for the first time in months...and for the last time before we broke.

asia de cuba - new york city. jen's birthday. we were tired and starving. having come from the sex & the city tour, we saw this restaurant in the guide book with 4 stars and 4 dollar signs. so we went and waited. got sandwiched in between large parties with drunk girls in too-high heels, ate at a table meant for two people. but the food redeemed the setting. panels of gauzy white flowed around us, but it didn't lighten the mood. we were all weighted by the reality of our lives. but the food helped relieve some tension. small plates of asian fusion with strong latin bases. creamy dynamite shrimp, beef shrimp rolls, pot stickers, sauces so good i didn't want them to end. after the food was cleared, we returned to earth. even the high couldn't take away our mistakes.

amada- fire. i would eat here everyday if i could. surrounded by only who make me feel good. the dishes speak for themselves. the wine flows. i would eat here every meal if i could. but then it would lose it's appeal. as all things do when you get too close & know too much.